An Unexpected Review

Sunday, I journeyed to the theatre and discovered a little film that I can’t wait to share with all of you. This low-budget, from-the-heart gem of a movie is the reason we all love the cinema. For it never fails to delight us when a movie comes out of nowhere to take on the big-budget bloated titans of the film-world and take its place in our hearts.


Okay, I went to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

Peter Jackson and the nation of New Zealand have just released part two of The Hobbit trilogy. Potentially about nine hours of film devoted to a two-hundred-fifty page novel. The first installment covered about six chapters. This time, by my count, we got seven. Shit’s getting real now!

That being said, I’m such a Middle-Earth nerd that if they’d just filmed Martin Freeman reading the novel in 3D, I’d have paid for that and given it four stars. Well, three and a half.


Fuck me, we’re not there yet?!?

So is it good? It’s a bit more well-paced than the first installment. And I recall some  criticism was leveled at the miraculous escape of Thorin’s group from the goblin caves in the last one. Not one dwarf got a scratch. This time, they topped that with a barrel escape down a falls with a legion of orcs attacking our weaponless party. More realistic this time, a dwarf gets scratched! But none die. *spoiler!* (not really.)

Less is made this time of the group’s meals. I think they may have even skipped a couple. In the last film they were quite well fed. In part two, we get to meet characters that never would have made the final cut if Jackson had chosen to tell the tale in one movie. Beorn the Skinchanger and Bard the Bowman.


Who am I? Padding the Length. I mean, Bard the Bowman.

We also meet some elves who are real dicks. I don’t mean like we’re-superior-so-we’re-going-to-fuck-with-you like Elrond and his folk. Elrond will play mind games, but he’ll still feed you and all. No, the woodland elves are some major assholes. Even Sam Gamgee would say so.


This is the only elf who is not an asshole.

In this movie, there’s only two references to characters from The Lord of the Rings. Of course, if you’re interested at all you already know Orlando Bloom is reprising the role of Legolas, and looking curiously both older and younger than before. Like he got a digital face lift and new contacts. Legolas is the son of the King of the Asshole Elves. His role here is larger than a cameo, but not a main part either.

The other reference I’m not going to say. It’s a quick gag so if you’re not paying attention you could miss it. I won’t spoil your fun.

And Gandalf is there. I know he’s from Lord of the Rings, too, but I wasn’t counting him. He was actually in the novel, The Hobbit, unlike Legolas.


Still a badass warrior, but more of a dick.

The Jackson team also added a female elf called Tauriel to the lineup this time out. There were no women in The Hobbit so this is a good thing. I cracked up when I read an interview with one of the screenwriters and she sort of was embarrassed by having to explain this addition. She said something like Professor Tolkien was great at writing women, he just forgot to add one to The Hobbit.

Let’s get it straight. The Professor was not good at writing women. They had to expand their roles in Lord of the Rings because in the novel, besides Galadriel (who is more of a goddess than a woman), the females aren’t allowed to do anything! Remember Arwen from the movies? None of that shit was in the book. In the book, she pretty much just shows up at the end and marries Aragorn. She barely has dialogue.

But the addition of female characters is a plus to me. I’m not knocking it. Otherwise we’re watching The Expendables or some shit like that.

But is this movie good?

I keep getting sidetracked. Yeah, it’s good. In the third act, we even get the weirdest episode of Sherlock to date.


Because these two are in this movie!

My old stalker the Cumberbatch voices the dragon Smaug. He and Bilbo Watson have quite the philosophical dialogue towards the end of the film. To me, that’s worth the twelve bucks right there.

If you’ve read the novel, you know the major steps that have to occur in this story and they’re all here. Just expanded. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is debatable. Personally, the more Middle-earth I can get, the happier of a camper I am. Someday, a film may get made that’s more faithful to the source. I doubt it could be more entertaining than this one, though.


Yeah, if that shot doesn’t get your nipples hard, this ain’t for you.

Simply put, I like this movie a lot. No surprise there. Not as lustrous as Lord of the RIngs but a welcome journey, regardless. You know what you’re getting with this one. You either love this world or not, and I can’t sway you.

So why’d I do this? Because Love.

And I needed a post.


Hey, EveryDamnDayDecember is half in the books! I’ve only posted one cheap haiku and two reblogs that no one read the first time! I’m doing pretty good. So are these guys:

Myas – A Tragic Lady But No TB
Container Chronicles
Chasing Rabbit Holes
More At Forty (Five)
Tales Of A Slightly Stressed Mother!
This Labyrinth I Roam!
Emberyn, The Villainess

Now, some of you I know are EvDaDaDecs, a couple I think are, a couple I’m not sure but I put you here anyway, and I may have missed a couple.  *I get so confused sometimes*

Congrats to us! Thanks for joining me!

See you tomorrow. I’ll put up part two of the Christmas Carol challenge and…something else. I don’t know yet.


6 thoughts on “An Unexpected Review

  1. I had a boner the first time I saw the Hobbit trailer, which would have been embarrassing but I’m a woman so I got away with it. I haven’t watched it yet but I’m SO looking forward to it. I’m a huge fan of the franchise (books first) so much so that I actually went and sat down near the tree that was Tolkein’s inspiration for Treebeard. I KNOW. Can’t wait to watch it. Also, I never really intended to do Evdadadec but it’s working so far! YAY! Thank you for the inspiration!

    • When Lord of the Rings was playing in theatres I usually saw the film the first weekend, right? And people who hadn’t seen it would go “Don’t tell me what happens!” That would drive me crazy, ‘cos 1)I wouldn’t spoil a movie; and 2)They’re based on books! Classics! You should already know what happens! Non-readers!
      The Hobbit movies are more loosely based on the book, though. So in a way, they’re more interesting. You know where they’re going, but you don’t know quite the way they’re going to get there this time.

      • I had pretty much the same dillema. And then in the theatres I was like :O WHERE IS TOM BOMBADIL. And everyone was like “Who?”. It’s pretty much the same thing I go through with Game of Thrones. I feel some sort of sadistic pleasure when I go around brandishing the “I know who dies” sword. You’re right. I had a feeling they have included bits of Similarion as well. I can’t wait to watch it. Don’t spoil the movie for me 😉

        • Tom Bombadil! You’re killing me! The night I first saw “Fellowship” with a few friends I was singing his crazy song. “Tom Bombadillo! Ring a dong dillo!” They thought I was nuts. Non-readers! I think he’ll be in the third Hobbit film but I’m not counting on it.

          • You got me excited. But then I remembered that I better keep my excitement low key for fear of disappointment. But he would be such an amazing character to have on screen

  2. I didn’t like the film :/ And this pains me to say, because I love Middle-Earth and Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit more than life. I can see where you’re coming from with the addition of Tauriel and the film not staying too true to the book, but for me that’s exactly what ruined it 😐 It dragged (I couldn’t stop fidgeting in the cinema), and the made-up scenes annoyed me. Despite the epicness of Smaug (’cause I can’t deny he was pretty cool as a character), I preferred the first film, ’cause at least that felt more like Middle-Earth. I was also incredibly surprised at the lack of Beorn in the film. If you’re gonna drag a 200-odd paged novel into three films, SURELY they could have put more of him in… no ? Instead they filled the time with stuff that didn’t actually happen…

    One thing I did love was that reference, or gag. That made me laugh. In a way, that alone made the whole thing bearable. I may be moaning to death about this film, but it was a decent film in itself – it just wasn’t the Hobbit. And I’m still going to see the last instalment. It just has to be done!

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